Unchained Melodies

Hide Yo Face

2011-09-29T08:04:00.000-07:00

For the past few days I have been consumed with the story found in Exodus 33. Moses is up on the mountain where God is "speaking to Moses face to face, as one speaks to a friend." (v.11) God is telling Moses its time to move and head toward the promised land. And Moses is seemingly distraught. He wants to make sure God is pleased with him and that the presence of God will go with him as he begins this new journey. Beginning in verse 15, Moses asks God to send His presence, and although God gives Moses affirmation that He will do so, Moses continues to ask for the same thing, until finally in verse 18, He says, "Now show me your glory." This is such a bold request. I mean we just learned the God spoke with Moses face to face, as a friend. What more could Moses want? And God's response is even more incredible than Moses' request. God tells Moses that He will cause "all my goodness to pass in front of you, and I will proclaim my name, the Lord, in your presence...but you cannot see my face, for no one can see my face and live." (v.19-20)

This is such an amazing reminder that we have no idea of the depths of the goodness and glory of God. Moses spoke to God face to face on a regular basis, yet after He asked to see the glory of God, after he was engulfed in ALL the goodness of God and he came down from the mountain, his "face was radiant because he had spoken with the Lord." (Ex. 34:29) In fact, he had to "put a veil over his face" (Ex. 34:33) because it was so bright with the radiation of God's glory.

As I reflect on this, I am reminded to keep seeking more of God, keep asking for more glory. And to not move from where I am until I see ALL the goodness of God on the mountain he has placed me on. I don't want to go my whole life simply having conversations, even ones that seem to be face to face conversations, and miss seeing the glory and goodness of God in all its' fullness. James 4 tells us that we do not have because we do not ask God, so I'm asking: "God show me your glory! I want to see you in all your goodness. To be so changed by your presence that my physical appearance is altered. God, let me see your glory!" Will you ask too?

Worship equals sacrifice

2011-03-01T08:53:00.000-08:00

I have carried a burden for a while that stems from what I see as a lack of involvement in corporate worship among the Church and the lack of evidence of worship outside of a corporate experience. I have asked God over and over to show me the reason behind the complacency of his people, created to worship. Not that I have perfected these things, but as a worship leader it is my desire that every person in the room at any given worship experience has an encounter with the living God who desires nothing more than the adoration of his people.

I thought for a while that this apathy towards worship was rooted in some deeper lack of understanding about the ways, attributes, or desires of God. Or perhaps that it developed from a lack of previous experience with God. And though that may be true for some, I believe there is another cause for the decline of hearts that are passionately seeking the face of God.

In 1 Chronicles 21 we are told a story of David taking a census of Israel, a seemingly innocent act that brought horrible judgment on his people. We are not told why this census was so contrary to God’s plan, but we can draw a few conclusions. At the end of the 20^th chapter of 1 Chronicles, there are a series of battles between the Philistines and the Israelites that converge when David’s brother defeats a mutant of a giant and the Philistines “fall at the hands of David and his men.” (1 Chronicles 20:8)

The very next verse tells us that “Satan rose up against Israel and incited David to take a census of Israel.” (I Chronicles 21.1). And David gave into this temptation. I find interesting the heading for Chapter 21 very curious: “David counts the fighting men.” He just experienced a huge victory. He destroyed the Philistines, known for their military strength and oversized warriors. And this was not the first time David had defeated a giant Philistine…remember Goiath?? And the next thing we are told is that David decided to count his people so he could determine how many fighting men he had?

Here is my theory: David, though he had experienced many military and personal victories, still did not have a full heart of trust. He was not able to whole heartedly believe that God would continue to protect and defend him. (Hang in there, this will tie into worship soon!)

So because of David’s actions Israel was punished with plagues for three days. David pleaded with God not to punish his people for the sins of their king . In response God told David to go the threshing floor of a man named Araunah the Jebusite, and to build an alter there. A threshing floor was the place where they would separate the wheat from the chaff. These floors had to be in open places, usually at high altitudes so the threshers could harness the wind to blow away unwanted parts of the stalk. So I can only imagine that the journey to reach the threshing floor was not a short or easy one.

When David arrived, Araunah fell to his knees in front of him. King David explained his purpose for being there and told the man he wanted to buy the threshing floor at full price. In response, Araunah started offering him supplies and sacrifices to give to the Lord. Araunah said to David, "Take it! Let my lord the king do whatever pleases him. Look, I will give the oxen for the burnt offerings, the threshing sledges for the wood, and the wheat for the grain offering. I will give all this." (I Chronicles 21:23). And here is where the story ties to us and our worship. David, who could have taken the offer, taken the easy way out, opted instead to take the road less traveled. He responded, “"No, I insist on paying the full price. I will not take for the Lord what is yours, or sacrifice a burnt offering that costs me nothing." (1 Chronicles 21:24).

Think about this in relation to worship, corporate or private. How often do we ride on the proverbial coattails of a leader, pastor, friend, or song? When was the last time that worshipping God was difficult and you did it anyway? When was the last time that you worshipping your creator actually cost you something? Don’t just think in terms of worship at church on Sunday mornings. Worship at its very definition means to give extreme devotion, adoration or love; to give worth to someone or something. Worship was never meant to be contained in a building, it was meant to be contained only by the bounds of our lives.

It’s easy to come to church and sing songs, even close our eyes and lift our hands. Those things really don’t require much of us. The difficult part is living a life of worship outside the four walls of the “church.” The hard part is sacrificing in such a way that we feel the effects of it. Giving to the down and out when you yourself already feel the pains of lack, stopping to help a stranger when you are already late for a meeting, giving your life away to your kids even though you are exhausted, going on a trip to Africa in the face of real health risks and bodily harm, adopting a child who may never know the love of a family even when you don’t feel “financially ready”. You see, David understood that to truly make things right for himself and his people, to truly seek the face of God in such a way that his judgment would stop and relationship would be restored, he had to bring his own sacrifice to God, his own offering. He could piggyback on this man that stood before him basically shoving offerings in his face. No, instead he had to find his own sacrifice.

I think I have had this worship thing completely backwards. I have been searching for reasons we don’t show outward displays of worship when really I should be asking what going on in our hearts. Proverbs 4.23 says, “Above all else guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.” Worship isn’t an issue of set list, song choices, or talented musicians. It’s an issue of the heart.

David had experienced military victory after victory. He was accomplished, adored, and even God said he was a man after God’s own heart (1 Samuel 13:13-14, Acts 13:16). Yet still he fell into the trap of the temptation to lose faith in God. He had seen God keep his promises over and over, just as many of us have, but he chose to rely on his own intellect and power to control the outcome of his country. For whatever reason at this point of David’s life He didn’t have a heart of worship. A heart inclined to trust God with every ounce of their life. A heart that is willing to sacrifice whatever it takes to see God’s purpose fulfilled in the world and in their life.

In the same way that David had experienced God’s victories countless times, yet had seemingly forgotten His Faithfulness, we have experienced God. We have known his faithfulness, his unending love, his boundless grace. Yet so often we forget! We don’t think we have a reason to worship. But the very fact that we are breathing right now is cause to worship. Let alone the reality that we have a savior who loves us and died so that we could not only obtain eternal life, but so that we could know what it means to live a life fully surrendered to him, a heart that is bent to his desires: and he desires worship!

So I’ll say it again: worship is an issue of the heart. It truly flows from the assurance that God is who he says he is and that his promises are true. Without this, there can be no worship: corporate or private. What has your desire to follow in the steps of Jesus cost you lately? Because I truly believe that until we become a people who are constantly sacrificing that which costs us something, even everything, any attempt to worship in a setting of any kind will always fall short of what it was made to be. Worship and sacrifice are synonomous. If we aren’t daily laying down our lives for the sake of Christ, then when we come to worship together with other believers, it is like we are taking the sacrifices and alter materials from Araunah for free. Just as David couldn’t use another man’s sacrifices and expect to relieve his people, we can’t offer to God that which costs us nothing and expect to have a life changing experience in worship.

Pure Religion

2011-01-13T07:05:00.000-08:00

Am I the only person who feels the intense burden to do something great with my life. Not just a desire, a longing, or a feeling...but this weight that at times seems to be pushing me so far down I'm not sure I can stand again. Its a burden that keeps me up at night, that makes me sick to my stomach at times. I want to do and be great. Not for my sake, my glory, or so my name can be known, but for the sake of the One who has given me the capacity for this greatness. It is because of Him that my heart beats to the rhythm of this inconceivable melody. I desire to do and become things that my mind cannot even fathom.

The greatness I desire isn't really anything that human standards deem extraordinary. Actually, in the eyes of most people, the things I desire seem anything but glorious. You see, what I desire to do doesn't bring more money, greater status, or higher position. Actually, my desires pull me in direct opposition to those things. And yet I cannot shake the intensity of their magnetism.

I desire to make a difference in the lives of the 26,000 children who die every day from starvation and preventable disease. I long to see a Church that strives not for it's own glory, or to make it's own name famous, but that works with everything in it to be the hands and feet of Jesus. A Church that doesn't build huge structures and fill them with "stuff" for the sake of reaching the lost. But that actually goes and seeks to find the lost, the broken, the hurting. A Church who isn't so immersed in it's own agenda and it's own people that they forget there is a world around them that is searching and dying without ever finding what they are looking for. I passionately want to see a Church that stops spending so much money on itself and time with itself, within its own circle of people, and instead dives into the community that surrounds it! My heart aches for the day when we stop spending every effort and energy on ourselves, our desires, our "needs", our wants, and when we pour our lives into being Jesus to the people we pass by every day. The injustice of our world combined with complacency of the Church at large makes me sick to my stomach. The problem is, I am part of the church at large....

The biggest barrier to me seeing the things I desire to see is myself really. Sure it is other people too, but how can I expect others to be passionate about these things when I can't make the necessary changes in myself. So maybe the reason these things sicken me so much is because I see so much of them in myself.

Christ clearly told us to "GO". Yet so many of us choose to stay. To stay comfortable, to stay secure, to stay happy. Not that I believe he wants everyone of us to pack up, sell everything we have , and move to a village in Africa. But I do believe He desires us to all have the heart that causes a person to pack up, sell everything, and move to Africa. There is a huge chasm between where most "Christians" are today and where we need to be, myself included. Something is wrong when secular organizations are doing more for the starving, diseased, hurting, lost world than people who are supposed to be the hands and feet of the most compassionate, loving, person who ever walked the face of this earth!

I do not say any of this to cause guilt, or self condemnation. I say it because the more I think about it, the more it moves from something that could to be done to something that SHOULD be done. IT's not just a good idea, it is THE idea.

We have become a people who largely believe that Christ wants us to live a comfortable, easy, good life. That he only calls some to live lives of sacrifice for Him. Most of us, including myself, have no idea what real sacrifice looks like. I spend a couple of hours serving at a mission or a week on a mission trip in Mexico, and I think that is sacrifice....I have no idea. God has called us all to sacrifice not just part of our lives for Him but ALL of our lives! He called us to DIE to ourselves, yet when I look around at "followers of Christ," I see a lot more living for self than dying to self!

Please know that I in no way think God calls us to live self deprecating, "sad" lives, because I do not! I just think that we need a giant shift in our mentality, in our lives, and in our hearts. Any time I try to excuse these convictions away, I am struck with this verse from James, "Pure and genuine religion in the sight of God the Father means caring for orphans and widows in their distress and refusing to let the world corrupt you. (James 1.27).

I fear that we have gotten so far away from pure and genuine religion in the sight of our Father. Instead of being identified by our care for the least, and our stand for our savior, we our known for our giant buildings, our light shows, and our numbers. Not that any of these things are inherently evil. They just shouldn't define us.

I know that for me, I have to stop excusing away what I DO have and start using what I think I DON"T have. Let me explain: our family is called to adopt. We know that, and we have said for a while that it's not if but when, mainly because of the financial burden adoption is. But, in light of eternity, of what God has called us to, how can we wait? There is a child out there who isn't being loved, may not have food, who doesn't know the love of a family, and I am worried about paying off my student loans before I give that to them...something is wrong with that! The fact is, I far more than most of the world, but my mentality is so messed up. I believe I have to have more to give more. But the truth is, the more I give, the more I have. Not necessarily more in the eyes of the world, but in the eyes of my Father I become abundantly rich when I give myself away. I have to let go of my fears, embrace true sacrifice and live out true and genuine love. Then and only then will my life be a fragrant aroma to my Savior.

Father forgive my complacency and don't let me lose the passion for change you have put inside of me! And God let me spread this passion.

Still

2010-09-21T08:35:00.000-07:00

In the quiet, in the stillness I know that you are God

In the secret of your presence I know there I am restored...

Hillsong United

Why is silence so difficult to find. Why is stillness so difficult to obtain? Why is it that though I search for those two things they always seem so out of reach? And if I do somehow find them, why is it that when I try to live in them, my life somehow seems boring and mundane? Am I the only one that catches myself only seeing God in the craziness? I have no idea why it seems that I have a hard time noticing Him in stillness but when my life is going a hundred miles an hour I can see Him clearly.

Is it because in the chaos I feel like I need to depend on Him more? When my life is hectic I feel like I have to rely on Him for peace. But when my life is already peaceful I don't even stop to realize he is the one who has granted the peace in the first place!

I feel like I may be missing a huge piece of the puzzle he is putting together. I may be missing a giant part of the abundant life he has promised. Because I so strive to do for Him I may be forgetting to rest in Him. Because I want to create for his glory, I may be missing out on what He wants to create in me. I don't want to miss what He is doing because I am so preoccupied with what I am doing. God let me grasp the true meaning of what it means to be still and know that you are God. (Psalm 46.10)

I think that if I can truly understand the stillness God is calling me to, if I can catch what it means to rest in Him, then my productivity will produce much more. I think rest is where we are to start. Not a place we are supposed to eventually reach. There is nowhere in the Bible that says "work and know that I am God." Because its much easier to work than to rest. It requires a lot more faith and trust to rest and to be still. I want to have the kind of trust that is able to be still.

2010-09-19T18:49:00.001-07:00

I had to write a short description about Graham for his kindergarten teacher. Thought I'd share! Enjoy...

Graham is an amazing kid, as I am sure most parents say about their kids. But I truly feel that way! He is tender hearted and kind. He is so sensitive yet incredibly strong at the same time. He is wonderfully empathetic and compassionate. Graham loves others. He is deeply concerned about their well being and happiness. When he sees people hurting, he hurts. The tears of others affect him. I love that about my son.

Graham is an incredible older brother. He is very protective of Cooper and loves him deeply. Though he gets frustrated at Coop and they fight (a lot) they truly love each other. I am so proud that Cooper has such a wonderful big brother he can look up to!

Graham is extremely detail oriented. He is organized and doesn’t do well in chaos. He likes a schedule and he likes to know what is going on and what will happen next. He tends to get frustrated and exhausted if his schedule changes. Knowing this about him, we are trying to help him become more flexible.

Graham loves to learn!! He gets excited when he learns a new fact, accomplishes a goal, or discovers something new about his world. He truly loves learning on every level. His brain is a sponge and he thrives on filling it!

G loves being outside, but hates being hot (: He plays t-ball and loves his baseball cleats more than actually playing the game I think! He sings any chance he gets and can sing a song after only hearing it once! He has an incredible memory! He memorizes books, songs, Bible verses, and facts…really anything!

My son loves going to church and reading his Bible. He truly looks forward to Sundays and getting to go to his class. His dad is a student pastor and Graham absolutely loves the teenagers he gets to hang out with all the time! And the students love him too!

There are two things Graham could do for hours on end: draw and read books. He loves art of any kind and has an incredible imagination. His art is beautiful! Graham has had a love for reading since I can remember! He has always been able to sit and get lost in books. I hope he never loses that love!

I am so proud of my son. His passions amaze me and his love of life is inspiring! I pray that he is as much a joy in your classroom as he is in the lives of his friends and family!

Thank you for giving to Graham and the rest of your class every day!

No Substitutions

2010-09-11T18:53:00.000-07:00

Is there anything better than warm homemade cookies and a cold glass of milk? I would argue not much! That thought is what drove me to the store today to get what what I needed to make my favorites: oatmeal chocolate chip. As I walked the aisles of the grocery store, I ran down a mental list of what I needed and checked each item off after it was satisfied. Flour, eggs, butter, oatmeal, etc. I left Wal-Mart triumphant and with taste buds tingling. I was all prepared and could hardly wait to sit and eat the delicious treats I was about to make.

As I dove into the recipe, elbow deep in flour, I realized that I was missing a small, but very significant ingredient: vanilla extract. At first I thought maybe I could make the cookies without it, so I preparedthe dough, vanilla free, and tasted it. It was totally wrong! There was definitely something missing.

I was baffled that 1 teaspoon of anything could really make that much difference, but it did. So I began to dig through my cabinets looking for something that could possibly take the place of the vanilla extract. And I found almond extract....I won't take you through my mental debate, I'll just tell you I decided to use it. I put in the teaspoon it called for, spooned the dough onto the cookie sheets, and baked them. I was very proud of myself! The dough didn't smell much different and didn't look any different...I was convinced it had worked!

Now, this part of the story could get very wordy, so I think I will just give you two sentences from my son's mouth that explain everything, "Mom these cookies taste......weird! They make my mouth taste funny." My experiment had failed, that was confirmed when I tasted a cookie. At first it wasn't much different, but then the after taste hit and "it made my mouth taste funny!"

Although I was totally bummed, I continued to bake the rest of the cookies. I'm not sure why, I think I was still holding out hope that maybe they weren't that bad. But as I took my disappointments in and out of the oven, I had a thought....

We try to add almond to our lives all the time when God is obviously telling us to add vanilla! And beyond that, we convince ourselves that our lives won't look that much different. That our substitutions won't effect that much change. Let me explain. Just like I had tried to substitute almond for vanilla, we add, or take away, little seemingly insignificant actions, thoughts, ideas, and words to and from our lives all the time. We replace spending time with God with sleep. We say what pops into our heads when we clearly know God is calling us to hold our tongues. We ignore a prompting to talk to a lady sitting alone on a bench outside Wal-Mart because if we stop, we will be late to church. You see, our substitutions don't even seem that bad sometimes, like the almond. In an almond poppyseed muffin, that extract would have given the exact flavor that was needed. But when added to oatmeal chocolate chip cookie dough, it was like a splash of sewer water.

It is so easy for us to justify actions that aren't necessarily "sin". it is especially easy when we throw a little bit of God into our excuses. For example: I know God has told me to get up at 6am every morning and spend time with him. Now, this isn't written in the Bible anywhere, you won't find it in the 10 commandments, or even a church bulletin. So when I decided to push snooze 3 times last Thursday morning, it was easy for me to justify. Let me walk you through my thought process....ALARM "I am so tired...." snooze. ALARM "God gives me grace, He won't mind....." snooze. ALARM "I definitely think that if I got up now I would be so tired today that I wouldn't have very much patience with my kids, and God doesn't want that!" snooze. (I know: lame) You see how easy it is? Maybe for you, its not getting up early. Maybe it's what you watch on tv, or the way you spend your money. Maybe its the attitude you have, or the way you talk. Whatever it is, even though it may not be a carved in stone command, it is a command none the less!

James 4.17 "So then, if you know the good you ought to do and don't do it, you sin." God's word is clear that the convictions we hold, the things we know we should or shouldn't do, these things are just as important as "do not murder."

You see, what I fear is that we might become accustomed to the almond. Just like I continued to bake the cookies, we may continue to live out or not live out the "small" things we know we should or shouldn't do. And one day, they won't leave a funny taste in our mouths any more. One day, we may even write out an oatmeal chocolate chip recipe and instead of writing vanilla extract we may write almond instead.

I don't want to eat almond extract cookies, because thought they might not be "that bad," there is nothing like warm oatmeal chocolate chip cookies (made with vanilla) and a cold glass of milk.

Sounds of Beauty

2010-08-30T12:25:00.000-07:00

There are certain sounds that touch your ears, smells that reach your nose, sights that fill your eyes...delighters of your senses that evoke such emotion its difficult to describe them to others. They are so powerful to you that to put them into words for another person seems so trivial, but I will try.

Let me start by saying that I am so honored and blessed to lead worship. It is a such a deep passion of mine and I cannot tell you how unworthy and unqualified I am. But somehow, in His rich mercy, God saw me and made me who I am: a worship leader. And there isn't a day that I am not completely grateful.

Yesterday I was leading worship, as I do every Sunday, for Merge. But yesterday was a different day. We were doing an acoustic set, in hopes that the silence and stillness of the moment would break through barriers that have kept our students on the fringes of God's presence. My prayer was that a break from the normal patterns of weekly worship would push them over the imaginary edge that stood between them and a deep revelation of who Christ is and the extraordinary lengths to which he has gone to demonstrate his love for them. It was a beautiful set, the songs were delivered by 2 acoustic guitars, a box drum, and a stand up bass. It was naturally easy on the ears (although I may be biased). But all of this is not the point...so let me get to it.

I have always loved the sound of voices radically in love with Jesus singing in awe. Especially the voices of teenagers. There is something completely pure and beautiful about the way teenagers worship. It is so pure, reverence in its truest and most sincere form. They don't know how to hold back, they haven't been taught that yet. And when they find the passion that God has placed inside of them....well, it is incredible.

I was struck anew yesterday when about 100 voices, mainly those of teenagers sang the words, "Holy Holy Holy is the Lord God Almighty! Who was and is and is to come. With all creation I sing: praise to the King of Kings! You are my everything and I will adore you!" The words flowed out of their hearts, unaccompanied by any instrument and unconstrained by any shame. It was one of the most beautiful sounds I have ever heard.

And as I listened to them sing in awe of the God of this universe, I couldn't help but feel complete humility. I wanted to bask in that moment forever, and I truly believe I could have.

So again I say, I cannot believe God has given me the privilege of leading his children into his VERY presence! There is nothing more beautiful, next to the voices of my own children, than the voices of teenagers who are so impassioned for Christ that they cannot hold back the cries of their hearts! And I cannot believe that He choses imperfect people to demonstrate His perfect glory!

Seasons

2010-07-22T12:36:00.002-07:00

"There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens." Ecclesiastes 3.1 I know this verse to be true, but I wonder sometimes why certain seasons have to be so long. When I think of seasons, I think of the physical world around me and its changing seasons: spring, summer, fall, winter. These natural seasons are fairly consistent in their times of change. There is a always a clue as to the shift. Green leaves turning brown, cool night breezes becoming hot muggy evenings, budding trees, icy northern winds...these all give me indications that one season is ending and in its place another is beginning. And I am always comforted by them. They give me hope. Hope that I won't remain the same, and more importantly that my surroundings won't be forever unchangeable.

However in the unseen world that is so real all around me, more real than anything I could touch right now, seasons aren't so predictable. They come and go as they wish, flaunting their ability to be so casual. They drag me back to high school. Take in this scenario: There is a boy that I am particularly fond of...and he knows it. He uses it to his advantage, walking in and out of my presence at horribly unpredictable moments. Sometimes he stays and graces me with his presence and amazing conversations, and others he simply walks by just to give me hint of his "greatness". Nonetheless, I still adore him. And the more he stays away, the more I long to see him. And he knows that too. And no matter how many times he leaves, I always want hime to return.

In the same way, I so often feel alluded by those "mountaintop" seasons I hear so much about. The ones where all is well, there are no major conflicts to speak of, a dream has been realized, or a battle won. You know the seasons I am talking about. Every one longs to see them, even if it is just a glimpse. And even more, every person longs to live in them. But when that finally happens, they seem to be so short, so fleeting. It sometimes feels that the moment I make it to the peak of Everest, i am dragged back down, down to the valley floor.

But here is what I have learned: the valley can be just as beautiful as the top of the mountain...if you just look up. If you look around when you are in the valley, all you see are rocks and trees, and more trees, and more rocks. It can become mundane and lose all beauty. Oh but if you look up...there is more beauty than you could possibly imagine! you see the sunlight casting shadows through the clouds on the mountain faces, you see the ominous beauty of the earth rising up around you, and the trees that seemed so repetitive before now create a beautiful canopy of protection. At times, it even appears more breathtaking than the view from the top. And though you know you are far from that mountain top, its very presence from your low vantage point gives hope. Hope that the father who led you once to the top will lead you again and that he will never leave or forsake you. Just look up.

An ice cold Dr. Pepper in a styrofoam cup

2010-07-14T13:23:00.000-07:00

Wow it has been so long since I have done this! It feels a little odd, but good! There is so much that has happened since my last post, try a whole year almost, but I think I will skip all that and go straight to what happened to me today!

This morning I had every intention of waking up before my boys and spending some time with Jesus. My alarm was set and I was excited! But then at about 6am Cooper woke up, this is not normal but he has been doing it the past few days. So i tried to get him to go back to bed, his normal wake up time isn't until about 8am, but he wouldn't have anything to do with that. So I let him come lay with me. He tossed and turned until 7am when my alarm went off. He was almost to sleep and I knew if I got up that any hopes of his return to blissful slumber would be long forgotten. So I stayed there until he finally went back to sleep at about 7.30am. I am sure you are wondering why I am telling you all this, but hang in there, I do have a point!

At this point I crawled out of bed ninja style, so as not to wake the sleeping giant! I did the whole twist of the body, leave the arm under his head until a pillow can replace it, leg behind back, even Mission Impossible would be jealous of these moves, snake slide out of the bed and quietly made my way to the living room to have that quiet time.

Let me make a side note here: I haven't really felt like God was joining me for these quiet times lately. I mean I know he is ever present but I haven't heard him speak in a while, and quite honestly I was beginning to wonder if he even saw me. That being said, I was unusually expectant this morning. As I read my Bible Study on Ruth there was nothing that really jumped off the page,good stuff but nothing that hit me in the middle of the moment I am walking through. So, I decided I would take a minute and just pray. I prayed for God to show me what to read, to guide me, to speak! I reminded him that I was in the middle of some huge decisions and life was weighing me down, as if he was formerly unaware, and then I heard him say Phillipians 4.

I knew it was him speaking too. You know when he speaks cause its like a soft wind, or a warm blanket, or for me an ice cold Dr.Pepper in a styrofoam cup. I know that sounds so fake but it's true. When he speaks it's not like you are hearing words, its like you are feeling them. And the feeling is comfort.

So of course I turned to Phillipians 4. And as I read, I began to cry. My heart melted as I was reminded that he is the God who SEES me and knows my struggles. He spoke to me exactly what I needed to hear, and though I have read these verses a hundred times, their meaning was more rich than it has ever been. The words lept off the page and nestled their way into the very heart of the prayers I have been laying at God's feet day after day.

I guess the point I am getting to is that he does remember, he does see me, he finds me in my desert place, he searches for me on my mountain top. No matter what I face, He goes before me and makes a path for me. Because he loves me. And though I have no more answers to the questions at hand than I did as I was laying in bed with Coop this morning, I do know this: "Do not be anxious about anything but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God which transcends all understanding will guard your heart and your mind in Christ Jesus." Phillipians 4.6-7. And that is enough to keep walking on.

Take 873

2009-05-22T20:49:00.000-07:00

Well here we go again. We are about to begin yet another chapter of our lives... And I have NEVER been more excited! I feel so certain about the path God has us on. We are ever trusting and ever learning more of his grace, peace, and mercy. In his gracious love he has taken us on this increadible path, leading us down sometimes winding, bumpy,treacherous roads, but never leaving our sides. He has kept his hands gently wrapped around ours. Sometimes his grip has been so strong I could feel his pulse, and others I have barely felt his touch, but for the truth of his promises, I would have stopped trusting. But my beautifully merciful Father, in his abundant wisdom, has known the plan all along. He has articuatly designed this path and has known that every bump in the road, every fallen branch that has caused me to stumble, every obstacle that has almost made me turn back...he has known the purpose for each. And even more, he has designed them so that for this moment, for this time, for this pivotal instant, I would be prepared. And not simply prepared, but exillarated! Because I know that despite all of the tears I have cried, despite every moment of doubt I have indulged, his unchanging word stands still. And the winds have blown, the storm has come (many times), the world around me has dismantled, but my Jesus has remained, and here I stand. I stand at the edge of life so enthralled, so ready to face whatever comes next. I can only cry grateful tears. He is so good and I am so unworthy.

Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you.You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.

patient perfection

2009-04-16T19:12:00.000-07:00

I am sure everyone has heard the quote, "The Lord works in mysterious ways." I am not sure where it came from or who first said it, but it is usually uttered by very old gray haired reverends with quivering voices and shaky hands. Anyway, I always thought it was cliché, but I found it to be unbelievably true.

When we moved back to Edmond and left vocational ministry, we had no idea why or what we were doing. But we knew it was time. So we followed the voice of God, and though we were scared and uncertain, we listened. After about a month, however, we were growing less and less certain that what we heard was God's voice. We began to question if we left Stillwater too soon, if we were even ever supposed to leave, things of that nature. Chad was already feeling stagnant in his job, we were frustrated with trying to find a church, we were feeling awkward about every aspect of our current situation.

Then we went to church (at Northchurch) and heard an incredible message about fasting. We decided that we needed to fast and wait for God's voice. Now let me pause for just a second and tell you about me and fasting. I decided to fast ALL sugar...yes that includes Dr. Pepper. If you know me at all you know that me not drinking DP is serious business. I believe God knows this too ( He was very impressed... haha). Any way, we fasted and really felt God telling us to embrace where we were at but pursue a job in ministry again. in the midst of that a great friend had a dream and interpretation about Chad that was targeted precisely to our situation and spoke directly to Chad’s heart.

Well, I will leave out all of the boring details, but just a few days later, an amazing opportunity was presented to us. We really felt good about it and decided to pursue it. God was "all over" the process! To make a long story short, Chad interviewed at the church, we met them, we loved it, they loved us (:, and about 3 days ago they offered Chad the job. So in about a month, we will be moving to the Fort Worth/Arlington area of Texas to work at an incredible church called Pantego Bible Church. We are so excited about this next step of our lives, and though we never expected it to come this soon, we know it is in God's perfect timing. This community is so much of what we believe church should look like. We waited patiently and God provided infinitely more than we could have ever asked or imagined!

There are so many more awesome details that Prove the greatness of our Father. He is above and beyond all that I need or want and I am so glad that we waited and trusted and believed! We will desperately miss all of our family and friends here in OK, but we are eagerly awaiting our future and what God has in store for us!

Randomly Orchestrated

2009-03-17T18:50:00.000-07:00

I am continually floored at the way God works in our lives! He puts together these random moments, situations, decisions, and struggles and makes a beautiful symphony orchestrated precisely to the rythm and motion of our lives! Its like we hardly ever understand what is going on in our lives, but he without a doubt ALWAYS knows!

We are I believe at yet ANOTHER crossraods in our life. There are more decisions to be made, more paths to be chosen, and more long sleepless nights spent praying and wondering what God is doing. But at this point in my life, after all we have been through and all we have faced, I have a strange peace. I have a rest in knowing that in this crazy world and this seemingly crazy series of choices and struggles that God has us EXACTLY where he wants us. And I find stillness knowing that the creator of this vast and diverted path we have been on this must be God because I definelty cant make sense out of it, yet alone be the leader!

Grateful

2009-02-24T11:25:00.001-08:00

So I was thinking today about life and the struggles we have faced as a family. And well, though the past 5 years has been crazy and hard, and though we have felt like one thing after another has knocked us down and scraped our knees, and though life has been generally unkind to us at many times, and though we have cried more than we should and laughing has seemed obsolete many days. Even through all of this, at least we know there is a God who loves us and has AMAZING plans for our life!

There are people who face insurmountable challenges and they have nothing to cling to except a distant idea that maybe one day life will be okay. They don't have a true hope or any real security. And although I don't understand why life has to be so hard and dreams seem to have slipped away, at least I know that my God loves me and will never leave or forsake me! And for that...I am truly grateful!

vacation

2009-02-19T13:45:00.000-08:00

So...just wanted to put it out into the "universe" that I could really use a vacation! I was looking through last years Colorado vacation pictures and I want to go back RIGHT NOW! It was so beautiful and such a wonderful time with my husband and friends! Come on BIG tax return! Ahhhh....thats all, just wanted to say that.

Today

2009-02-17T19:35:00.000-08:00

Today was one of those days in parenting that really tests you. Graham started the morning peeing on the rug in the bathroom (hes been potty trained for 1 1/2 years) and the day just went downhill from there. He argued, told me no more times than I can count, almost suffocated his brother with a blanket, and ripped pages out of one of my antique books. By the middle of the day I was in tears, and I yelled at him more than once. Which really threw a load of guilt on my shoulders. When Chad got home I balled like a stinkin baby and questioned my parenting and ability to be a good mom. But here is the deal.

3 year olds are HARD!!! Parenting a s awhole is hard! Anyone who argues is LYING! There are up days and down days. Days that are rewarding and days that just plain SUCK! So I started thinking of the good days...heres what I came up with:

A couple of weeks ago, he told me that when he grows up, he wants to marry me!

Daily, he stretches his arms as wide as they will go and says, "This is how much I love you!"

Every morning he crawls into bed with me and says, "Good morning mommy. I had good dreams last night. Did you?"

He hugs his brother every day and tells him how much he loves him

The other day G and Coop were playing and G said to Coop, "Its okay honey!"

Every night at dinner he tells me thank you for making this, its really good!

The point is, there are so many things that G does that are hard for me to deal with and make being his mom tough. But, I wouldnt trade all of those moments for the times I mentioned above and the millions of others that warm my heart!

I love my children more than anything in the world! Being a parent is tough, but it is the greatest responsibilty and joy of my life!

Honestly...

2009-02-12T14:23:00.000-08:00

I truly believe that God is in control of my life and that he longs to see the desires of my heart come true even more than I do. But I feel like my life is NOTHING that I ever thought it would be. I know that sounds horrible but I have to get it out of my head! I love my husband and my children are the most wonderful gifts God has ever given me. I wouldnt trade any of that for a single thing in the world. But sometimes I wonder if God has forgotten about the dreams he placed in my heart so long ago. I wonder if all of the passions he placed in my heart have somehow slipped his mind. Sometimes, actually MOST of the time if Im being honest, it feels like HE put all of these wonderful things in front of me, these amazing dreams and he gave me gifts and talents....and then He just left me to simply dream of those things but never accomplish them.

I hate comparing myself to others, but I look around at all of these people whose lives are EVERYTHING they ever wanted and it amkes me sad. Because I cant say that! Again, dont hear me say that I am not grateful for my family, I just want to do the things that I feel God has placed inside of me! Its TORTURE to have these huge dreams and constantly feel like youre hitting brick walls!

I have no resolution to this, no happy....it is all better. I just had to get these feelings out, cause they were eating me up!

Relearning to Trust

2009-02-11T12:50:00.000-08:00

Do you ever feel like you have to learn the same lessons over and over? I feel that was alot lately...not a good feeling! Its like when you are reading a book and get to the end of the page only to realize that you have NO idea what you just read! Its like the words went in your eyes and completely bypassed your brain! Thats how I feel about learning to trust God. He teaches me His trust by showing His faithfulness over and over. Yet everytime I find myself in a situation that overwhelmes my ability to conquer it, I go crying to God like He has never come through for me!

Our life as a family has not been easy lately and we have been questioning so much. And I realized today that I have upset at God. When in all reality I serve a God who promises to NEVER leave me or forsake me. I am in love with a savior who KNOWS the plans he has for me, and they are good plans. My Jesus promises to work ALL things for my good if I love him and am called according to his purposes.

So I have determined to go bodly before His throne in the faith and confidence that He is willing and able to take care of every need I have. And hopefully, this will be the last time I have to learn this lesson!

Mommy, you dont need those...

2009-01-13T12:16:00.001-08:00

So I have a giftcard to a shoe store left over from Christmas. The other day my two boys and I went to the store and I was looking for something to spend the card on. Well, needless to say, after about 15 minutes, I hadnt found anything so, frustrated, I told the boys we were going to leave. Graham looked at me as we were getting in the car and said,"Mommy, did you find some you liked?" And I told him no, to which he replied, "Thats okay mom cause you have lots of shoes, you dont need any more!"

Wow! The profound words that flood out of my 3 year old's mouth never cease to astonish me! How often do we go in search of things that we think we need or are even entitled to have, only to end up empty handed?! And in the end, we already have all we need! Thank you G!

Foot Pajamas

2009-01-05T13:37:00.000-08:00

Well it is 3.40 in the afternoon and I am sitting here watching my 2 boys play with their shake and go race track. And I am pondering whether or not to feel like a bad mom....because they are definetly still in their pajamas. And to add another element of "bad mom" we even ran errands earlier...in pajamas.

There is an explanation to this, well at least in part. Graham has been asking for foot pajamas since before Christmas and Santa (and by that I mean mom & dad, Grandma, and Papa & Gigi) brought him some. Well, ever since then, he has wanted to wear them all the time- ALL DAY LONG! Usually I win the battle and make him change into clothes, but today I lost the battle. And since he was gonna stay in his pjs, I decided to keep Coop in his as well.

Now as to why I did not have the energy to oppose the pj marathon. Cooper has had an ear infection for about 5 days now, and last night I was up with him from 2am-5.30am. So, I am just a little tired today. The thing about the ear infection that is really irritating is that I think it could have been prevented. Let me explain: Coop got tubes when he was about 5 months because he had horrid ear infections. Anyway, the tubes have been great and he hadn't had another ear infection until about a month ago (he is 14 months now). I took him to the doctor in Stillwater, and she put him on a strong oral antibiotic, which seemed to clear the infection a few days later.

Well, about a week ago, I recognized the symptoms of an ear infection again, and since we have moved back to Edmond, I took him to our pediatrician here and she informed me that both of his tubes had fallen out. So, both ears were infected.

Long story short, when he had the infection a month ago, the doctor was supposed to put him on an antibiotic ear drop. And because she didnt, the infection probably hasnt ever actually gone away and the fluid has been building up behind his ear and it most likely forced the tubes out!

So, I guess its okay that my boys stayed in their pjs all day...besides, there are really cute!

Ya!!!

2008-10-24T12:38:00.000-07:00

I am sitting here on my couch recovering from what was suppossed to be a very simple surgery that turned into a complicated hospitalizing ordeal. I am so glad to be back home with my family and in the comforts and caresses of my own home!

Anyway, earlier we were all eating our lunch, I on the couch enjoying some pasta salad and my oldest son Graham and my husband at the table. Chad, my husband, was up getting G, as we call him, some juice. Now you have to understand the importance of juice in our house. Graham has been extremely addicted to the beverage since he stopped drinking out of the bottle. It is like his oasis in the desert, his umbrella in a thunderstorm, the peanut butter for his jelly (which coincidentally he likes very much also), the paint for his picasso recreation! In other words it is the e chi, the greatest of all things we own! The only redeeming factor to the fact that he drinks about 8 cups of it a day is that we still water it down significantly. Anyway, as I was saying, Chad was getting his juice and as he handed it to G, my husband simply said, "I love you g." To which my precious 3 year 7 month old baby boy replied, "ya." And then just turned, sat back in his chair, and continued eating his mini corn dogs dipped in ketchup.

This got me thinking about how sure he is of our love that he doesnt even need to reciprocate an expression of that love. i cannot remember the last time i was so sure of someones love for me. I mean, my husband tells me he loves me everyday, and still every time I hear those precious words, I feel almost, for lack of a better word, obligated to reply back, "Love you too!" Not that I don't love him, or dont want to say it, quite the contrary, I love him so much that I feel I have to reassure him of that fact.

But, what would happen if we were so confident in eachothers love, and even more our Fathers' love that sometimes when it was expressed we simply said, "YA." Not in a prideful or boastful way, but simply in a way that said, "I know and thankyou."

My first blog (AKA rants about flying insects)

2008-10-18T12:13:00.000-07:00

Well, here it is...the much anticipated first blog by Ryan Bailey. My husband has been telling me for quite some time now that I need to have a blog. But like the good wife that I am, I ignored him (: However, after much prodding, I finally decided to give this blogging thing a try. So here I am at 10:02pm on Saturday night typing my first blog post.

I don't mean to start off negatively, but I have to rant for just a few moments about the army of flies that has invaded my home. Now, I understand that these are living creatures and buddists would probably despise my blatent hatred for them, but I cannot help it, I HATE THEM! They land on every piece of food that we consume, buzz around my head during the only 15 minutes of "me" time I can muster up each day, they make me feel as though my house is filthy, therefore causing me to have to clean my counters and table constantly (as if I needed one more thing to do), and besides all of that, my oldest son has now taken on the hobby of killing them with anything harder than their pillow-like frame! Not that I mind them being terminated, but I think what disturbes me is my three year old running around yelling, "I'll get you fly! You can't live in my house!"

However, no matter how creepy my sons obsession with killing flies is, he is a much better shot than me!